My Soldier
by Foenixfyre
Summary: Following a fight with Heero, Relena muses over their relationship and contemplates a small surprise. Very short and introspective.


My Soldier  
  
I sit here behind my desk, determined not to watch him through the windows at my back. He's leaving for another mission, and I cannot go with him. The desk before me is piled high with papers, agreements, and forms, all requiring my attention, my signature, my permission. The responsibilities that go with them weigh on my shoulders as heavily as the desk they reside on. I didn't want this position. It isn't fair; I'm only sixteen. Must I be responsible for the worries of an entire world and its colonies? I want to throw it all away and go with him. With Heero.

  
We fought last night. It's always the same issue. Violence. We fight every time he leaves on a mission. I scream and cry; Heero is the only one to ever see my tears now, and the only one to whom I raise my voice, but he never returns the emotions. Instead, his eyes become cool and hard, and his voice assumes the monotone I have learned to fear.

  
I know he loves me. He rarely says so, but he returns from these missions and holds to me with such fierce possession that I can feel his soul reaching out to my own. Sometimes, I imagine that they even touch for a moment, and I can see the love buried in his solemn blue eyes. But despite our love, we have so little time together, for I have my position, and he has his missions.

  
Those missions worry me. Heero never tells me what goes on during them, but I know they involve the violence I abhor so much. I do not understand how he can inflict such pain and suffering, and act as though it means nothing to him. We are both striving for the same goal, but sometimes I don't know whose method is better. Heero uses his sword with ferocity, and I try to employ my pen to the best of my ability, but . . .

  
But it is hard to love another with such different ideologies.  
  


I try, oh how I try, but we can never see eye to eye on this one single issue. It is the one thing that holds us apart. And now . . . Placing my hand gently above my stomach, I glance toward the trashcan. The test came out positive. Perhaps this news, news that Heero and I have never dared to hope for, will bring the peace of mind that we have sought for so long. A child to pass a peaceful world on to, a new reason to fight for that glorious end.   
  


But even as I rejoice in the changes of my body, my heart fears that even news as wonderful as this won't keep us together.  
  


I'm sorry, Heero. I should have apologized for the things I said.  
  


Sometimes I wonder if he will ever return to fulfill his first promise to me. I still dream about that day.   
  
  


_I walk out onto the veranda, the small envelope held lightly in my fingers. He's standing there, leaning against the railing, and his eyes are a million miles away.  
  
_

_ "Heero," his head turns, and his eyes meet mine, "I would be honored if you would come to my birthday party." I smile gently, hopefully, and I can hear my companions break into applause. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Relena has extended her generosity to another lonely soul. Bite me.  
  
_

_ But, instead of the hoped-for smile and casual acceptance, he silently raises the envelope and carelessly rips it in half. I feel my heart cleave in the same manner.  
  
_

_ "But why?" I whisper, and tears well up in the corner of my eye as the shreds of paper blow away in a sudden breeze. The wind whips my hair around my face and my skirt around my legs, and goose bumps rise on my skin.  
  
_

_ He steps forward, and gently wipes the tear away. His finger is so cold against my cheek. Leaning forward, he whispers into my ear. "I will kill you . . ." His breath is so warm, and I cling to that scrap of warmth as he strides away, leaving my soul frozen in denial, rejection, and wonder._  
  
  


There are nights when I fear that my love will not be enough, that I will awake in his arms and find a gun held to my head. Could he kill me so casually?   
  


I can hear the car drive up to the front of the house. Who is it this time? Silent Trowa, sweet Quatre, tortured Wufei, or cheerful Duo? During the past years, I have come to know each of them well, whether or not they wanted it. And they in turn know how much I need Heero; they always promise to bring him back safely. If Heero know what they swore to me, he would be angry. He would not like to know that the others are looking out for him; he claims to the world that he needs no one.   
  


As I hear the front door open, my strongest resolutions fly into the blue, and I whirl to press my forehead against the window's cool panes. There he is. My Heero. He strides out to the car, and he coolly tosses a small overnight bag into the backseat before getting in. The door is pulled closed, and the car drives away. He never even looked up towards my study, even though he must know that I always stand here and watch his departures.  
  


A single tear traces a path down my cheek, but I ignore it, instead glancing over to the portrait of us that dwells on a side table. Do you remember that day, Heero? You took me flying in Wing on a beautiful summer evening. It was the first time I'd flown in a Gundam, and you laughed delightedly at my excitement. Later that night, we made love for the first time. Heero, come back to me safely. I need you, Heero. I love you.  
  


The door to my study opens, and I whirl around, prepared to face the day's first dilemma. Instead, Heero's strong form stands in the doorway.  
  


"Heero? What's wrong? Did you forget something?"  
  


"Yes." He paces slowly toward me, and the look in his eyes is one that I rarely see. One firm hand comes up to slowly cup my cheek. "I forgot to tell you that I love you."

*           *            *


End file.
